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12pm 194?

well.. I have no idea why i insist on weighing right before bed., , i guess ita a little preview of how the next morning will go.  Scale needle was definatly to the left of the 195 so Im guessing im 194 and will be 193 when i wake up. Still grabbing random wi-fi so not sure when i can post again. I CANT WAIT to get paid and not have to worry about this shit anymore.

I had around 505 cals today but i didnt drink enough water at all.. i have to get into that again. as a matter of fact I am going to grab a water bottle NOW. I love seeing the numbers on the scale drop its always such motivation for the next day.. that and LJ will help me get through this and closer to goal  I will be so happy when I am 190.. and than when I see that next 10 pounds melt away. i guess I will do pictures every 10 lb instead of every week. I am not even sure a difference will be seen but if there is maybe someday i will be one of the rare success thinspo before and afters that started off over 200lbs.

I am up to 4 servings of water today. ( or yesterday technically)

I keep losing connection so to avoid any mishap and inability to post I am going to say good night.. Here is to a better tomorrow..

GL everyone

1am and 196

Well I bought a scale today.. its a basic old styled one.. not difital or anything not the best but better than no scale at all and it will work for a while.   It says that im 196 right now. Which is not tooo bad considering its late and I have coffee, water, and food in me from the day.

I did well on water/beverages  today  I had at least 4 bottles of water. I did have coffee 2 times with creamer so its about 80 calories there ( i only did 1 serv of creamer per coffee) and I had a fuze, I drank teh entire bottle which is 2 servings (which is stupid) at 10c each so thats 20

THAN i had a fish taco.. corn tortilla.. no white sauce so all that really counted from in it were the fried fish and the tortilla.. sigh. and than I messed up a little.. because I made patty melts for dinner for the kids, usually I cook healthier than that but we are running out of food and money I made 1 extra one thinking my boyfriend would eat it. but he had to leave.. so I had it.. it consisted of 2 slices of wheat bread a hamburgar patty and about 1oz mixed chedder and monty cheese THAT was my HUGE screw up for the day.. but realistically i think that the day as better than yesterday and tomorrow will hopefully be even better.,

MY BIG success for today is actually happening right now.  I was so tempted to go make a grilled cheese sandwich.. hungry, bored, late night eating is a common hardship for me.. and tonight.. I didnt do it and I wont because i am going to bed as soon as I press post. Instead of going to the kitchen to make food i am clutching my water and I weighed myself..

I will be strong tonight.. no more late night (after 8) eating tonight.



Picture Day..

Today is Picture day..

Here is my Original starting photo.. WARNING.. there may be permanant eye damage after viewing..
220 idktodaytodayside
So the first one was when I was 220. the 2nd one Im not sure what my weight was... and the last ones.. are from today. (Yes I am aware that I am GROSS) I am around 195 I will know for sure later today.  I think the 2nd ones and the Now pics look very similar.. but hopefully next time I will be thinner.

OH. I also made this.. I would be happier if my next photos look like..


LOL.. im actually a little proud of myself for even trying to be physically active this morning. I went up and down the stairs outside of my apartment 5 times.. so thats 10 flights.. and I did some dishes. I had told myself that I was going to do 15 flights this morning and tonight.. but i only made it through 10 i didnot push as hard as I could have.. but maybe next time i will.. its a start.. its a start.!


end of day1

I supose I will take the good with the bad considering it was my first day blogging in a very long time.

Total Intake..

1Grilled cheese sandwich on wheat bread.. IDK how many calories that is.. but im sure its way to many.
2 baby carrots dipped in ranch
4cups coffee with hazelnut creamer..

and that is all.

I would not have had the sandwich except that my son made it and brought it to me. He likes to cook for me.. so i ate it.

Tomorrows intake will definatly be less. It will be easy because I have 2 finals tomorrow.. so I will stay busy. Hopefully I also remember a LOT of water.

I did burn about 300 cals as well.. so maybe my intake is not to horrible.

the scale will tell in time.


wow..its been almost a year and a half

The good news is I had gotten to 174 .. the bad news is.. that it took too long and than I gained it all back. Im at 197 now and have a lot to write about.

I now Live in CA I have been going to school since I have been here. I got a boyfriend and I started gaining weight by cooking for him all the time. I am still not happy with my FAT and I want to lose it really badly. Another factor to weight gain has been depo.. its aweful.. I hate it and next week I plan to be off of it. I am thinking about getting an IUD instead.

I have learned a lot this year about people and myself and the way the world works.. I am not claiming to know everything or to have reached any type of spiritual nirvana.. but I have matured..

Than being said. I am not sure weather I would call myself proana.. or not.. but im not anti anything really. I beleive in doing what it takes to be in control of your own life.. and that is why I am going to try again..

This time I think I can be and will be more passsionate and more dedicated.. and more ME.

The Facts..

I am a single mother
I have a boyfriend
I need a job
I am on welfare
I am smart
I am respectful
I am creative
I am lazy
I am anxious
I am needy
I am fat..
I am diabetic.


I need to find more strength to carry on my everyday
I need to be happy with who I am
I need to be motivated
I need to feel needed and wanted
I need a job
I need to be off welfare ( I HATE IT)
I need to use my creativity to my financial benifit.


I want to show my boyfriend that I can be more than I am.
I want my children to succeed
I want my kids to have a healthy mom
I want to be sexy..
I want to be able to afford to pay basic bills.

The Goal..

for this starting period.. I will have water, coffee and nothing else.. if I MUST eat I will have salad.. but I am hoping to have a good 3-4 day fast I wont hate myself and binge if I need to eat.. instead I will have salad.. or a small high protien or fiber snack.

I had been going to the gym but can no longer afford it.. so next goal is to go for walks or go up and down the stairs.. 1 mile or 35 flights..

Hate me or like me.. it doesnt matter.. this is what I need to like myself.. so here I go.
I need to lose weight.



I am fat.
Fat Fat Fat...

Very Very FAT

Yuck. Yuck Sick.

Kay.... sooo.. Im a fat ass.  No matter how many times I say it i never feel better about it. I want to lose weight so bad. I have been walking 6 miles every other day.. and I want to get rid of my bad eating habbits.. I am allowed 500 cals today as part of an expirimental 200/500 diet for this week.

I am going to be moving soon to Northern CAlifornia, and I do NOT want to be fat in CA. sigh.

I hope today goes well.


I am really upset about  Losing some of the comunity posts I made Yesterday. I hope that doesnt happen again.
I read that there is a chance that they might shut down Live Journal . I reallly hope not.  I need this place.
I AM going to go for a walk today.
I AM going to be successful
I AM going to be Skinny..



193 :(

Im depressed..

I know I can lose ths weight.. I am recommiting everyday and everyday I am going to work harder than the one before if that is what it takes to reach my goal.

I have added a new feature to my sidebar..  I am going to try to keep track of how many days in a row i can maintain my goals. the items might change as my goals develop and as I reach them. For example.. I have Days w/o soda on the list.. and at the moment it might be a hard thing to over come. .. but it is the easiest acheivment there.. when I hit 30 consecutive days with out soda i will remove that from my list and ad something new.

ALSO.. I really did not want to remove my GW2 Reached tag.. because I was so proud of myself for having reached it.. but I have gained sooo much since than.. so I reset my gw3 to match gw2.  tomorrow or sometime this week I will reset the entire thing to only include weights from 2008..  that will make things harder for me.. i will have to stare at some ugly numbers.. lol. but I can handle it.


Im sooo drained today..
I didnt wake up  until 10. and I never really gained all my energy..

the good news.. 191.3 lbs. .thats good..3 lbs down from the day before i love when that happens..
I speant most of my morning watching vh1. and trying to get motivated enough to make a difference around the house.
I got in a fight with my best friend again.. we have been doing nothing but fighting.. im not a person who has an easy time building long term friendships.. its not my best feature and im not really proud of it.. i cant call my self selfish exactly because im pretty selfless and eager to please. I just get preocupied. and when a friendship or a relationship becomes a hardship i usually walk away with out getting all emo over it.. no matter what my investment in that relationship was.. i mean i fight .. and make myself feel like shit.. and subject myself to a lot of pain. .but than i just.. brush it off and walk away.. and im trying not to do that to this friendship..

this guy and i became friends online.. and we have been through a rediculous amout together over the last 3 years.. but.. its waring down i guess.. sigh.. i dont even know how to explain.

so.. back to the other stuff.

getting in a fight caused crying.. crying caused dehydration.. and exhaustion.. ontop of the stress of the feeling that i have to act NOW. or my life is going to go down hill fast.. and over all i did okay..

i didnt binge.. i did eat.. but only once.. my grandmother made a turkey.
i did get in touch with my other grandmother and verify that i can move in with her.. so thats really really good.
in CA it will be a lot easier for me to get up on my feet.. thats my home.. everythnig is easier at home.

I made 3 sort of comitments to myself..
1) i will write in a journal daily.. for at least 10 minutes.
2) I will work on my art for at least an hour a day.
3) i will go for a walk m-f of every week at least untiil i have a job again

soooooo thats about where i am for the day.. pretty scatter brained.. and a little preocupied with music and tv.. and video games all at once. but i am feeling optomistic

Latest Month

May 2010


HW: 220
SW: 212
G2: 190
CW: 194
G3: 185
FG: 105

Consecutive Days:
Under 500:0
Walked: 0
No Soda: 0
Bed by 1Am:1





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