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12pm 194?

well.. I have no idea why i insist on weighing right before bed., , i guess ita a little preview of how the next morning will go.  Scale needle was definatly to the left of the 195 so Im guessing im 194 and will be 193 when i wake up. Still grabbing random wi-fi so not sure when i can post again. I CANT WAIT to get paid and not have to worry about this shit anymore.

I had around 505 cals today but i didnt drink enough water at all.. i have to get into that again. as a matter of fact I am going to grab a water bottle NOW. I love seeing the numbers on the scale drop its always such motivation for the next day.. that and LJ will help me get through this and closer to goal  I will be so happy when I am 190.. and than when I see that next 10 pounds melt away. i guess I will do pictures every 10 lb instead of every week. I am not even sure a difference will be seen but if there is maybe someday i will be one of the rare success thinspo before and afters that started off over 200lbs.

I am up to 4 servings of water today. ( or yesterday technically)

I keep losing connection so to avoid any mishap and inability to post I am going to say good night.. Here is to a better tomorrow..

GL everyone

1am and 196

Well I bought a scale today.. its a basic old styled one.. not difital or anything not the best but better than no scale at all and it will work for a while.   It says that im 196 right now. Which is not tooo bad considering its late and I have coffee, water, and food in me from the day.

I did well on water/beverages  today  I had at least 4 bottles of water. I did have coffee 2 times with creamer so its about 80 calories there ( i only did 1 serv of creamer per coffee) and I had a fuze, I drank teh entire bottle which is 2 servings (which is stupid) at 10c each so thats 20

THAN i had a fish taco.. corn tortilla.. no white sauce so all that really counted from in it were the fried fish and the tortilla.. sigh. and than I messed up a little.. because I made patty melts for dinner for the kids, usually I cook healthier than that but we are running out of food and money I made 1 extra one thinking my boyfriend would eat it. but he had to leave.. so I had it.. it consisted of 2 slices of wheat bread a hamburgar patty and about 1oz mixed chedder and monty cheese THAT was my HUGE screw up for the day.. but realistically i think that the day as better than yesterday and tomorrow will hopefully be even better.,

MY BIG success for today is actually happening right now.  I was so tempted to go make a grilled cheese sandwich.. hungry, bored, late night eating is a common hardship for me.. and tonight.. I didnt do it and I wont because i am going to bed as soon as I press post. Instead of going to the kitchen to make food i am clutching my water and I weighed myself..

I will be strong tonight.. no more late night (after 8) eating tonight.

Gnight

M

Picture Day..

Today is Picture day..

Here is my Original starting photo.. WARNING.. there may be permanant eye damage after viewing..
220 idktodaytodayside
So the first one was when I was 220. the 2nd one Im not sure what my weight was... and the last ones.. are from today. (Yes I am aware that I am GROSS) I am around 195 I will know for sure later today.  I think the 2nd ones and the Now pics look very similar.. but hopefully next time I will be thinner.

OH. I also made this.. I would be happier if my next photos look like..
dream

I SUCK...

LOL.. im actually a little proud of myself for even trying to be physically active this morning. I went up and down the stairs outside of my apartment 5 times.. so thats 10 flights.. and I did some dishes. I had told myself that I was going to do 15 flights this morning and tonight.. but i only made it through 10 i didnot push as hard as I could have.. but maybe next time i will.. its a start.. its a start.!

M

end of day1

I supose I will take the good with the bad considering it was my first day blogging in a very long time.

Total Intake..

1Grilled cheese sandwich on wheat bread.. IDK how many calories that is.. but im sure its way to many.
2 baby carrots dipped in ranch
4cups coffee with hazelnut creamer..

and that is all.

I would not have had the sandwich except that my son made it and brought it to me. He likes to cook for me.. so i ate it.

Tomorrows intake will definatly be less. It will be easy because I have 2 finals tomorrow.. so I will stay busy. Hopefully I also remember a LOT of water.

I did burn about 300 cals as well.. so maybe my intake is not to horrible.

the scale will tell in time.


M

wow..its been almost a year and a half


The good news is I had gotten to 174 .. the bad news is.. that it took too long and than I gained it all back. Im at 197 now and have a lot to write about.

I now Live in CA I have been going to school since I have been here. I got a boyfriend and I started gaining weight by cooking for him all the time. I am still not happy with my FAT and I want to lose it really badly. Another factor to weight gain has been depo.. its aweful.. I hate it and next week I plan to be off of it. I am thinking about getting an IUD instead.

I have learned a lot this year about people and myself and the way the world works.. I am not claiming to know everything or to have reached any type of spiritual nirvana.. but I have matured..

Than being said. I am not sure weather I would call myself proana.. or not.. but im not anti anything really. I beleive in doing what it takes to be in control of your own life.. and that is why I am going to try again..

This time I think I can be and will be more passsionate and more dedicated.. and more ME.
 

The Facts..

I am a single mother
I have a boyfriend
I need a job
I am on welfare
I am smart
I am respectful
I am creative
I am lazy
I am anxious
I am needy
I am fat..
I am diabetic.

The NEEDs

I need to find more strength to carry on my everyday
I need to be happy with who I am
I need to be motivated
I need to feel needed and wanted
I need a job
I need to be off welfare ( I HATE IT)
I need to use my creativity to my financial benifit.

The WANTS

I want to show my boyfriend that I can be more than I am.
I want my children to succeed
I want my kids to have a healthy mom
I want to be sexy..
I want to be able to afford to pay basic bills.

The Goal..

Simple..
for this starting period.. I will have water, coffee and nothing else.. if I MUST eat I will have salad.. but I am hoping to have a good 3-4 day fast I wont hate myself and binge if I need to eat.. instead I will have salad.. or a small high protien or fiber snack.

I had been going to the gym but can no longer afford it.. so next goal is to go for walks or go up and down the stairs.. 1 mile or 35 flights..


Hate me or like me.. it doesnt matter.. this is what I need to like myself.. so here I go.
I need to lose weight.


Sigh

Well.
 

I am fat.
Fat Fat Fat...

Very Very FAT

Yuck. Yuck Sick.

Kay.... sooo.. Im a fat ass.  No matter how many times I say it i never feel better about it. I want to lose weight so bad. I have been walking 6 miles every other day.. and I want to get rid of my bad eating habbits.. I am allowed 500 cals today as part of an expirimental 200/500 diet for this week.

I am going to be moving soon to Northern CAlifornia, and I do NOT want to be fat in CA. sigh.

I hope today goes well.
 

190.

I am really upset about  Losing some of the comunity posts I made Yesterday. I hope that doesnt happen again.
I read that there is a chance that they might shut down Live Journal . I reallly hope not.  I need this place.
I AM going to go for a walk today.
I AM going to be successful
I AM going to be Skinny..
I AM.

M.

193.

193 :(

Im depressed..

I know I can lose ths weight.. I am recommiting everyday and everyday I am going to work harder than the one before if that is what it takes to reach my goal.

I have added a new feature to my sidebar..  I am going to try to keep track of how many days in a row i can maintain my goals. the items might change as my goals develop and as I reach them. For example.. I have Days w/o soda on the list.. and at the moment it might be a hard thing to over come. .. but it is the easiest acheivment there.. when I hit 30 consecutive days with out soda i will remove that from my list and ad something new.

ALSO.. I really did not want to remove my GW2 Reached tag.. because I was so proud of myself for having reached it.. but I have gained sooo much since than.. so I reset my gw3 to match gw2.  tomorrow or sometime this week I will reset the entire thing to only include weights from 2008..  that will make things harder for me.. i will have to stare at some ugly numbers.. lol. but I can handle it.

Exhausted..

Im sooo drained today..
I didnt wake up  until 10. and I never really gained all my energy..

the good news.. 191.3 lbs. .thats good..3 lbs down from the day before i love when that happens..
I speant most of my morning watching vh1. and trying to get motivated enough to make a difference around the house.
I got in a fight with my best friend again.. we have been doing nothing but fighting.. im not a person who has an easy time building long term friendships.. its not my best feature and im not really proud of it.. i cant call my self selfish exactly because im pretty selfless and eager to please. I just get preocupied. and when a friendship or a relationship becomes a hardship i usually walk away with out getting all emo over it.. no matter what my investment in that relationship was.. i mean i fight .. and make myself feel like shit.. and subject myself to a lot of pain. .but than i just.. brush it off and walk away.. and im trying not to do that to this friendship..

this guy and i became friends online.. and we have been through a rediculous amout together over the last 3 years.. but.. its waring down i guess.. sigh.. i dont even know how to explain.

so.. back to the other stuff.

getting in a fight caused crying.. crying caused dehydration.. and exhaustion.. ontop of the stress of the feeling that i have to act NOW. or my life is going to go down hill fast.. and over all i did okay..

i didnt binge.. i did eat.. but only once.. my grandmother made a turkey.
i did get in touch with my other grandmother and verify that i can move in with her.. so thats really really good.
in CA it will be a lot easier for me to get up on my feet.. thats my home.. everythnig is easier at home.

I made 3 sort of comitments to myself..
1) i will write in a journal daily.. for at least 10 minutes.
2) I will work on my art for at least an hour a day.
3) i will go for a walk m-f of every week at least untiil i have a job again


soooooo thats about where i am for the day.. pretty scatter brained.. and a little preocupied with music and tv.. and video games all at once. but i am feeling optomistic
m

Latest Month

May 2010
S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Progress

HW: 220
SW: 212
G1: 199 REACHED
G2: 190
CW: 194
G3: 185
FG: 105

-----------------
Consecutive Days:
Under 500:0
Walked: 0
No Soda: 0
Bed by 1Am:1

WATER INTAKE 4

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